For this module we are expected to make a full submission to the Sony World photography awards for the brief 'In a changing world' . This will be a strange experience, as this is an area of photography that I have openly expressed that I do not particularly care for. However this is also something that is necessary as it is often when being pushed to do new things that people learn the most and experience moments of self discovery. It is also an opportunity to get some exposure for my work, although based on what I already know and see from the gallery, shortlist and winners I have a very small chance of actually getting anywhere in terms of the judges, due to my work having no journalistic or abstract basis. This is no reason to hold back at all though, as whatever happens with the awards this will still be very beneficial for my portfolio and as a building block for my final projects. As a change of pace from the other module, which is client based and therefore limited in creative license, I am going to use this one to run wild and free with expressing myself and making work that I find satisfying. Naturally I lend myself to much more bleak and disturbing imagery as this is where my interests in art lie for the most part. I want this work to be an opportunity for me to express the darker side of myself and find some catharsis in my problems by obsessing over them in a healthy way, in a manor where I have to make something rather than destroy. Finally due to my attitude towards competitive art environments, I would also like to leave a mark on the judges irregardless of my progress in the competition party because of a penchant for tongue in cheek but also to make a statement. Finally I want to make something completely different to anything else I have seen in the Sony archives, as originality and authenticity are things I place a lot of value upon when it comes to art. 

As an opening statement on my actual idea I would like to base this work on paintings and old surrealist photography, both because it is a counter point to the other project and because it is a chance to use what I have taught myself about art history and fine art over the last 2 or so years. The things that stood out to me when being talked to about the brief, particularly making a story with an air of consistency are Goya's black paintings and The sad clown Stanczyk. This is because both have a lot behind them in terms of similar works and they are also deeply philosophical and confrontational with their commentary, whilst also being relevant in a world that strays further and further from human decency each day. Both of these bases have potential to be modernised and twisted to make them more than a photo replication of a painting, and for either idea I would like at least one to be a self portrait. Both also have room to be very ambitious about shooting but still maintaining a large degree of flexibility as to how I would go about this. At the current time of writing this I think Stanczyk and the sad clown paradox is calling to me slightly more, and I can leave Goya until my FMP. 

Both of these works have possibility to be explored and adapted in many directions, and they also feature an heir of consistency that runs through both works, one being the subject, and one being the lighting and technique used to paint them. There is also the possibility to shoot both in a mixed approach of studio and on location, both would also require some hair, makeup and costume assistance which is good because it will add to the overall quality of the work. There is also a surreal aspect to both of them, but they emanate from very real and human feelings. I think they fit into the brief because the subject matter of all the paintings referenced have been in continual exhibit for at least 50 years and are famous for having a confrontational nature to the onlooker, this implies to me that timeless art is always relevant in a changing world and I want to try my hand at expressing similar things in todays vernacular. At its core the clown idea is about the idea of the individual and equating self esteem with pleasing others, how this eventually leads to mental decline due to having no sense of self because happiness is placed and gained from others only. The second idea is about paranoia, and the conflict that comes out of this as a result, and how this can take human beings to great extent in terms of wickedness without truly understanding why it is in our nature. 

I have had mixed feedback as to which one is the stronger idea, and I am not sure which one is better either. They are also equally challenging in terms of production value. The inclinations I have about this are that the clown project is deeply personal to me, as I resonate with the sad clown paradox myself deeply, and I think that this is something becoming more and more common with the rise of digital media, as it encourages constant comparison towards others and encourages people to contribute to algorithms that are somehow societally pleasing, but in a way that is a bottomless pit for the user. Because we all find our self image displeasing or superficial in some way; it is often the most jubilant people who are the most deeply sad. Judging by worldwide statistics on suicide and depression, the concept of being completely alone in your self loathing without any means to satisfy oneself is more prominent than others, and something I have struggled with even in this degree. One of the reasons I have not engaged with the course from a more industry point of view is due to dissatisfaction with my work, because I become preoccupied with the idea that once I show work to others it becomes for their amusement, and taste making rather than my own, and the things that please me the most are seldom thought of similarly by others. This in turns sparks cognitive dissonance between the need to make things that people like to have a career, but without finding it eudaemonic myself. Goya reflects a slightly different side of the psyche, because it doesn't pertain to my feelings about myself, but more about how I view human nature and socio political events. The idea of this paranoia about the wider world for Goya lies in the decline of his health, and growing political instability in Spain. For me it is in the decline in health of someone dear to me and also the state of affairs and feeling of being disenfranchised towards the whole world, especially the neoliberal/bureaucratic systems of governing. It is important to state that I do not wish to directly comment on any major political events, because partly I am not representative of the people worst affected by sociopolitical oppression and nor do I wish to represent any political agenda that exists. If I choose Goya I want to comment on how our fear of each other brings about depravity and the breaking down of our social contract as part of our nature rather than relate this to current affairs, as I feel this will always be perceived in a dogmatic right/left manor which I do not care for at all, as I believe all politicians to be equally complicit in the downfall of common decency. Finally I would like to say that humans, and the world as we see it are not really changing as we have had our animal nature since inception, it is the tools and manifestations of this that changes constantly whilst always representing the same machinations of the beast itself. 

I have decided on doing the first idea, about clowns but have modified it to a more moderneqsue version which centres around the plot of the play Pagliacci. I have also thought about some cinematographic and photographic reference points as well to follow up on my early inspiration from Edward Hopper. I have chosen this because it is less challenging in terms of set up and still personal and interesting as a story. 

Here are some images that serve as a lighting/grading as well as an initial location test shoot. It succeeds in creating a general mood that satisfies the references and the original idea itself, but can be a bit more refined in the details, but if I layer 3-4 images at different grades and paint them into each other the grade will be a lot more detailed in terms of highlights and shadows, also a better camera will help. Shooting with flash for certain images will definitely help as well because the harshness enhances the cold feel of the pictures and also breaks up switches between scenes. By going as wide as I can get away with for the images it really helps with giving them a cinema feel and lots of backdrop to play with placing the subject within. This shoot has also shown me that I can make good use of available light in each circumstance, particularly at night which will make shooting for the final a lot easier. 

Above are the separate images and contact sheet from my test shoot, which I decided to do on my polaroid camera in my house. My little sister ended up doing the makeup, which to my surprise was something close to a perfect match to my pre visualisation of course aside from the references aforementioned, the main photographic inspiration to these 7 images was Wolfgang Tillmans, who I think is all about capturing vulnerability and intimacy. I kept the compositions quite simple in terms of design but also in terms of where I placed myself just off centre except in the middle image, where I tried to centre myself fully. Each image is meant to subliminally mention a different aspect of my clown character and clownery in general, it is also meant to give off the idea of performance. the 1st, 4th and 7th images will definitely be reproduced in the other. The main changes will be cooling down the colour temperature and making them all landscape to give them a more cinematic quality. I think that modelling myself is also definitely an option as I think I can get the kind of acting that I so desire better than other people may be able to, and doing self portraiture is something I haven't tried before, which should be fun. I would like to include some pictures without the makeup at the start of the series which would give the sense that I am a nobody without the makeup possibly even within a crowd, which would also give contrast between the indoor and outdoor settings. 

In light of this project coming before my dissertation and my reading around that I would like to establish how these two ideas might connect to each other in my minds eye, despite how my project might be executed in the end. I think what binds all of my work together is troubled philosophical thinking, especially grappling with being a true nihilist for lack of better terms to describe my thoughts and feelings about the external world. This means that I don't find it troubling that my individual life appears to have no inherent meaning or purpose because these are voids that can be filled by making these things for myself. I find it troubling how my surroundings are comprised of a civilisation that continually ignores the truths confronting and surrendering critical thinking to a hope in the common good of humanity. But the common good is typified by Oligarchs, Monarchs and Churches that will use rhetoric and language to continually subvert the vulnerable and outcast non conformists to establish total subscription to their own morals, and very little individual freedom. To some this will bring about very little sentiment towards contribution to society, as the world is an ever more lonely place where 'hope' is subservient to corruption and conmen in high places. This battle brings about Schopenhauer's will to power and the continual collision of good and evil as aberrations of existing, where we have pulled consciousness out of its home and into meat, for it to wonder about its existence in solace until it can finally return to wherever it came from. Mistaken it may be as a disdain for humans, and dismissal of anything good in exchange for continual lament about ones self, it is acceptance in the truth and power of nothing as it is both where we come from and where we will end up once our bodies decay; welcoming it with open arms to see that our inner conflict is resultant of being alive and self aware and furthermore our hubris as creatures. 

The above monologue was inspired by HBO series True detective due to both its content but also visual motif, which is very disparaging and lonely but beautifully shot by cinematographer Adam Arkapaw in which natural light and negative space are the most important things. This is another representation as to how a whole scene will depict loneliness in anyones eyes, as this is something that we all feel no matter how deep. I tend to find these things cathartic and calming, as such art is one of the only true outlets for philosophical dread in human beings. 

Above are the additional images I shot for my Sony awards photo story that are meant to evoke the other side of the Soil Bleu, or the sad clown. This is where such a character would remain faceless and unnoticed to anyone, as they can only stand out for the things others will find distasteful or amusing. I shot these handheld for the ones that I am not in, and Using a tripod for the ones that I am in on the Fuji xt3 with a 55mm lens. I tried to use spaces and incorporate as much of my reference material and ideas into this piece by thinking of it more as two separate acts of a film which ends with a turn in pace, with the images I shot on polaroid earlier. I also chose to shoot myself both because of the personal nature of the project, and because when I spoke to others about shooting them, they were uncertain about the make up, or they were not able to sell the character in the way that I wanted, additionally I have never used self portrait for a piece of work in the course so far, so I thought it might be good to do so. After shooting these in locations I had scouted and been recommended by Ellen in the soho area, I took them to the cutting floor where I reduced them only to the ones I thought had the most engaging narrative, and the correct nods in influence from my references. I then sought about placing vignette on them as to single out the bodies in the images to one person or spot of light, more similarly to how our eyes focus on a particular point through the pupil. I then reduced the colour temp on all of them to a deep blue, as expected from the projects title, and inspiration 'Soir Bleu'. Once this was done, it was just a case of playing with highlights, shadows and grain until I felt the finish resembled that of a film reel, before some brief masking to add more focus and surrealism to the images. I then sequenced them in the order of 5,1,2,3,4 followed by my polaroids as a contact sheet for the final hand in. 

All in all I think this project was a relative success regardless of academic performance, and thought provoking in terms of making progress with my dissertation. This definitely also changed my workflow from the ideas phase onwards, as it was more like turning a short film into pictures, rather than shooting images in a similar but less masterful vein than Tarkovsky and his polaroid collection. It was also cool to shoot myself and use hair and makeup as a big part of the shoot as well, as these were again new methods of working I hadn't applied to my practice before in a big way. Furthermore this module forced me to engage with submitting to a competition which is important, because without it I never would have done so or even thought about it, as I often don't see my work as worthy of the eyes of others, but it is good to challenge my cynicism as well as their eyes with my contributions. Final note: Hopefully these mad writings make some kind of sense, and further understanding of what I have ended up producing, I look forward to next term and my final hoorah at Ravensbourne, and hope to end it on a real high note without being worried about grades as long as I graduate with no hitches.